


Four Words to Say Goodbye

by Lets_Pretend_Im_Sorry



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Graphic, M/M, Sad Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Unrequited Love, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 05:38:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8132432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lets_Pretend_Im_Sorry/pseuds/Lets_Pretend_Im_Sorry
Summary: Phil's leaving to live with Rachel to have the perfect family, it just doesn't include Dan.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Please heed the warnings, this may be considered a graphic and triggering suicide. There are always things worth living for, even if you can't see it at right now. Stay alive.

_“Dan I can’t do this anymore.”_ Those six words tore my world apart. Phil shuffled his feet, looking down refusing to give any sort of eye contact. I, however, just stared horrified at Phil - my breath coming in short as I took a tentative step forward towards Phil.

“W-what? Phil... you don’t mean..?” I asked quietly, reaching my hand out to gently touch Phil’s shoulder. He didn’t look up immediately, but instead grabbed onto my shaking hand. A part of me expected him to hold it to his chest, like he normally would and pull me close into a warm embrace. But as Phil looks up, eyes glossy, he pushes my hand back towards me.

The motion says more than words will at this point. Phil doesn’t want me anymore. Now it was my turn to look down, cradling my own hand to my own chest in a pitiful attempt at self comfort. A pregnant silence fell over the both of us as we stood in the corridor of our shared apartment, the sun slowly setting over the horizon in the distance.

I knew this was coming, I wasn’t blind, I just didn’t expect it this soon. Phil had someone else in his life now. A beautiful young girl, hair that frames her face perfectly and a complexion fit for a princess – she was perfect for Phil.

I wasn’t.

Before I could help myself, I felt the anger boil up inside me - something nasty and unpredictable. My already unsteady breathing becoming more and more rapid, as tear start to build in my eyes. I grabbed Phil by his shirt and shoved him as hard as I could, effectively knocking him towards the ground. Surprising Phil as he now stares frightened up at me.

“Am I not good enough!? Can I not give you what you want Phil!?” The words spilled out from my mouth, anger and jealously taking over my vision. “Am I not a good enough fuck for you!?”

At first Phil didn’t answer, he just simply stood and brushed off my pants, as if to discard any sort of touch from me. Phil’s face was hard, expressionless as he took a steady breath.

“You know what Dan; I had actually thought you’d be happy for me.” He said quietly, his expression slowly turning into one of disappointment. He shook his head and gave a small chuckle, before looking back at me. Jealously still pumping through my veins, I didn’t have the guts to reply. So he continued. “You are enough for me Dan, you are my best friend. Through all the years you’ve known me, I would think you’d understand why I want to be with Rachel. I have the chance to have a perfect family Dan. Why would you want to stop me from having this?”

_Because I still love you._ “Because I need you here Phil!” I cry out as I wrap my trembling arms around my middle. _Please don’t leave me._ “I.. I am happy for you Phil, I promise I really am and I want you to have the ideal life with her! I just.. It’s just I...” _I love you more than I could ever love myself._ Phil shakes his head once more and pulls me into a hug.

It’s not the same. The hug is cold, there’s no warmth like the old times – numbly I realise it’s because there’s no more love there. Phil doesn’t love me anymore. The hug was enough to break me, the dam of tears breaking causing a waterfall to cascade down my face. I grip onto Phil’s shirt for dear life, silently praying this would be enough to keep him here with me. Through, teary eyes I glace towards the door – where his suitcase is already packed and ready to leave.

Phil pats my back as I start to sob ungracefully louder. I’m going to lose him, he say’s we’ll still be best friends, that everything will go back to normal after he’s settled in at her apartment. What a lie. But I know. I know that as soon as he leaves out that door I won’t have contact anymore, Rachel knows about me and Phil. As perfect as she is, she won’t let Phil be taken away from her. I’m going to lose him.

As Phil starts to pull away, I wanted nothing more than to reach back and pull him close again. To feel his body, warm and forgiving, pressed against mine, a perfect unity. He heads towards the door, pulling his suitcase to sit beside him. He’s leaving. He’s going to leave me.

I open my mouth to say something but empty words fall out. _I love you Phil._ I want to say those four words, but I know what damage it will do. Phil will be torn between me and Rachel and – no. No, Phil wouldn’t be torn between us. He’d choose Rachel; because she’ll give Phil what he wants. What I can’t give.

“So, Dan... Take care of yourself yeah?” Phil says, taking the apartment keys out of his pocket and placing them onto the shelf beside him. I nod my head numbly; I couldn’t bring myself to speak. _I love you._ The words choked up in my throat, tears still silently falling.

He looks at me sadly then, as if he understands how much this is breaking me. But he doesn’t and he never will. Phil gives one last smile and opens the front door looking back at me one last time.

“Just remember, I do love you Dan but not in the way you’re hoping. Goodbye Dan.” And just like that. He’s gone. Phil’s gone.

I stare at the door, unable to process or move. Then it all breaks, my knees buckle and I fall to the ground. Sobs wrack my body as I cry out, screaming as loud as I could feeling my voice become harsh and dry. I yell and thrash, standing to kick and punch nearby unsuspecting furniture.

I stop suddenly when the glint of silver metal catches my eye. _Phil’s set of keys._

I walk to the shelf near the door and snatch up the keys. He left because I wasn’t good enough, I was a failure; _he didn’t want me._ Maybe he never did. The thought sends another flood of tears as I scream out again. Screaming at the keys, clutching them tightly in my hand, I couldn’t care less if the neighbours heard me right now. I couldn’t care less.

Bitter sweet memories sweep over my mind, the pain in my chest become all too much. I clutch the keys to my chest as I sob harshly, the keys know cutting into my hand. I don’t even register the pain until I see the blood dripping down my arm. _Maybe it’ll be better if I wasn’t here._

I know Rachel would want that. She already wants me out the way, that’s why she suggested Phil staying at her place; to get away from me. Maybe that’s why Phil agreed, I was in the way of his perfect family – his perfect life without me in it. I knew the thoughts were just because the situation was raw, that I needed to go and sleep the dread off – But the pain.

My face, now damp with wet tears, falls emotionless as I slowly make my way to Phil’s room; _his old room._ Not much has changed, his sheets were still the same - he didn’t want to take the quilt as it ‘looks silly’. We bought them specifically to match. Guess that never mattered either did it?

Before I knew it I was sitting on the edge of Phil’s old bed, the keys still tightly in my grasp. Fresh blood still spilling between the cracks of my fingers, I feel numb. The emotion pain still agonising but to the physical world I was numb. I loosen my grip on the keys, hearing them jingle quietly as I study them.

The edges of the keys had sliced into the palm of my hands, not deep enough to scar but just deep enough to cause blood to escape. _It can be deep enough._ I was never one to consider this; I thought I was always better than this. But, was it me being better or the support from Phil stopping me? I laugh, dry and torpidly. Phil’s not here anymore, he never will be. _He doesn’t care about you anymore._ As much as I try, I can’t push the thoughts out of my head. Phil said he loves me as a friend, he still cares I know he do- _but if he did really care he would still be here._

Giving in I glide the keys over my wrist, gently at first. It does nothing. I try again, harder. Nothing. I scrape over and over and over again, not paying attention to the damage I was committing. Over and over again, running the pair of keys again and again, until there was nothing. There was no pain, emotional or physical.

My head cleared as I breathed in and out. Closing my eyes and just breathing.

I sat there for what felt like years. Phil was gone. I couldn’t change that. I glance down at my wrist and am horrified by the sight. Deep gashes littered my forearm, to the point where blood was everywhere, warm and thick seeping into the quilt below me. I was bleeding out. _Not quick enough._ Phil’s not here... so why am I?

Wiping some of the blood onto my fingertips to rub between my fingers, I stand and head towards the bathroom. Going directly to the bath and running boiling hot water to fill the bath. I couldn’t bring myself to care, the pain slowly returning. It’s not enough. It’s just not enough. Soon enough the bath is full, steam hugging all sides of the room making the air thick to breathe.

I step into the bath and sink down as quickly as I can. The hot water burning my skin and reopening any healed sections of the lacerations on my arm. I can’t help but to think of Phil. He was the sun to my sky, the meaning to my life. Without him, I had nothing – I am nothing. I know to my better judgement that I should get out of the bath. To call an ambulance and wrap a bandage around my forearm to stop the bleeding but I was tired.

Oh, so tired.

What was the point? I can’t have the love of my life, my everything taken away from me to have the perfect life. Phil deserved the world, he deserved the universe and everything included; he is brave and forgiving, gentle and caring, supportive and encouraging. Why would I want to take that away from him? _Because I love him._ When was the last time I told him that? Not that it matters now anyway, Phil’s better off without me there to confuse him. He’s going to have the perfect life without me with someone who is perfect for him and will provide him with the perfect child. I can never give him that.

Black starts to creep into the corners of my vision and I can’t help but think finally. The bath is red now, ruined by my foul blood. The bath is probably going to stain; the apartment will struggle to sell once I’m gone. Oh well. I feel my breathes becoming shallow and my heart beat more gentle in its tight constraints.

I used to be scared of dying, of the afterlife but I think it’s okay now. At least I will know that with me gone, Phil can live his life without interruptions – the only things I wish for is that he isn’t the one to find me. That he lives the life he’s always dreamed for.

“I love you Phil.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you need someone to talk to, please I'm here with open arms xx  
> ((http://letspretendimsorry.tumblr.com))


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